Lesson 8: Afterlife Quotes, Jokes & Humor

Lesson 8: Afterlife Quotes, Jokes & Humor

Quotes

Life is Hard, and then you Die. -- A Coffee Cup

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal. --Albert Pike

If I think more about death than some other people, it is probably because I love life more than they do. --Angelina Jolie

For certain is death for the born And certain is birth for the dead; Therefore over this Thou shouldst not grieve. -- Bhagavad Gita

Fear not death, for the sooner we die the longer we shall be immortal. --Benjamin Franklin

Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile initially scared me to death. --Betty Bender

Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun. --Bishop Hall

What we commonly call death does not destroy the body, it only causes a separation of spirit and body. --Brigham Young

Death is the most beautiful adventure in life. --Charles Frohman

If Easter says anything to us today, it says this: You can put truth in a grave, but it won't stay there. You can nail it to a cross, wrap it in winding sheets and shut it up in a tomb, but it will rise! --Clarence W. Hall

If man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. --Dr. Martin Luther King

Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. --Edward W. Howe

Men fear death, as children fear to go in the dark; and as that natural fear in children is increased with tales, so is the other. --Francis Bacon

Death smiles at us all and all a man can do is smile back. --Gladiator (film)

Dying seems less sad than having lived too little. --Gloria Steinem

You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you'll dance with the reaper. -- Grim Reaper's rap from Bill & Teds Bogus Journey

That is not dead which can eternal lie, yet with strange eons, even Death may die. --H. P. Lovecraft

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. --Isaac Asimov

Death ends a life, not a relationship. --Jack Lemmon

Death Valley is neither dead nor a valley. --Jerry Bunin

Make sure to send a lazy man the angel of death. --Jewish Proverb

Nothing is certain but death and taxes. Of the two, taxes happen annually. --Joel Fox

Fear; if allowed free rein, would reduce all of us to trembling shadows of men, for whom only death could bring release. --John M. Wilson

Death (or its allusion) makes men precious and pathetic. They are moving because of their phantom condition; every act they execute may be their last; there is not a face that is not on the verge of dissolving like a face in a dream. --Jorge Luis Borges

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. --Joseph Stalin

Birth and Death are the two noblest expressions of bravery. --Kahlil Gibran

Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, "Did you bring joy?" The second was, "Did you find joy?" --Leo Buscaglia

Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them. --Margaret Mitchell

It is foolish to be afraid of death. Just think. No more repaired tires on the body vehicle, no more patchwork living. --Paramhansa Yogananda

Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come. --Rabindranath Tagore

Our fear of death is like our fear that summer will be short, but when we have had our swing of pleasure, our fill of fruit, and our swelter of heat we say we have had our day. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is just death in drag. -- Renegade Angel (Cartoon Network)

Even at our birth, death does but stand aside a little. And every day he looks towards us and muses somewhat to himself whether that day or the next he will draw nigh. --Robert Bolt

I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not. --Robert G. Ingersoll

Life is eternal and love is immortal; And death is only a horizon, And a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. --Rossiter W. Raymond

The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity. --Seneca

Be of good cheer about death and know this as a truth--that no evil can happen to a good man, either in life or after death. --Socrates

Is death the last sleep? No--it is the last and final awakening. --Sir Walter Scott

I only remember two kisses - the first and the last. The first, with my love and the last, with death. The first brought happiness and the last relief! --Srijit Prabhakaran

The difficulty, my friends, is not in avoiding death, but in avoiding unrighteousness; for that runs faster than death. --Socrates

To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent. --The Buddha

Death is well understood, it's life that isn't. --Tony Follari, Comedian

There is no death. No death, only change. Death is but to cease to be the same. --Unknown

Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow. --Unknown

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly. --Unknown

We all labor against our own cure, for death is the cure of all diseases. --Unknown

The mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death. --Unknown

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. --Unknown

We all to some extent meet again and again the same people and certainly in some cases form a kind of family of two or three or more persons who come together life after life until all passionate relations are exhausted, the child of one life the husband, wife, brother, sister of the next. Sometimes, however, a single relationship will repeat itself, turning its revolving wheel again and again. --William Butler Yeats, A Vision

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it. --W. Somerset

For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity. --William Penn

For life in the present there is no death. Death is not an event in life. It is not a fact in the world. --Wittgenstein

I'm not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. --Woody Allen

Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealously. The shadow of greed, that is. -- Yoda

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Jokes

Here, Eat This Root

2000 B.C. - Here. Eat this root. 

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen! Here, say this prayer. 

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 

1985 A.D. - That pill is in-effective. Here, take this antibiotic. 

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. 

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How many Major Arcana Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

All of them:

0) The Fool has already started before anyone else is ready.

1) The Magician assembles an array of objects that might be needed,

Displays them to best advantage and starts discussing how to go about it.

2) The High Priestess sits in the background, knowing one thing is

Missing but says nothing.

3) The Empress fusses around making sure it is safe and nobody gets hurt.

4) The Emperor tells everyone he thinks it should be done right now

And starts delegating responsibilities.

5) The Hierophant offers advice on the missing part after consulting

With the High Priestess.

6) The Lovers umm and ahh about what wattage bulb to put in this time.

7) The Chariot charges in and starts doing it himself regardless of

The others' protests.

8) Strength surreptitiously places what's needed into Chariot's hands

And gets it done her way.

9) The Hermit suggests a candle in a lamp would provide light in the

Meantime.

10) The Wheel of Fortune laughs and reminds everyone that the light

Will need changing again in the future.

11) Justice works out whose turn it is to change the light and whether

The division of labor is being delegated fairly.

12) The Hanged Man contemplates how darkness can change our lives.

13) Death points out mournfully that this was bound to happen and how

Everything ends.

14) Temperance tells Death to chill out, it all evens up in the end.

15) The Devil tries to make the others take responsibility for causing

 The light to blow and creates bad feelings all round.

16) The Tower suddenly starts ripping out the original light fixture

So he can create a whole new more basic look.

17) The Star marvels at new beginnings and says how much she's looking

Forward to having the light working again.

18) The Moon continually offers conflicting advice, confusing everyone

 Until she wanders off to the relief of all.

19) The Sun wants to redesign the whole room around a much brighter light.

20) Judgment examines the bulb to see whether it truly was its time to

 Blow and ponders whether the bulb can be recycled.

21) The World suggests that any problems with the light are temporary:

 We had light once, we will have it again, and suggests focusing on the

Bigger picture.

Meanwhile, the Fool has already finished changing the light bulb and

Is off doing his own thing.

Author unknown.

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Humor

A Pagan In Hell

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. 

St. Peter asks him, “May I help you??"

The Pagan asks, "Where am I?" 

Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven." 

The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven." 

Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?" 

"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to Summerland." 

Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling." 

"What should I do now?" 

Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left." 

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water. 

He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?" 

"Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?" 

Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill." 

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud. 

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what was THAT ???"

Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them. They're Christians; they wouldn't have it any other way." 

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On the Other Side

A Wiccan Priestess dies, and is greeted on the Otherside by her grandmother. 

After being settled in, the Priestess is given the grand tour by the grandmother, who shows her many places and introduces her to many fellow spirits. 

They see Druids cavorting in sacred groves, Norsefolk feasting and fighting in a banquet hall, Buddhists chanting in a pagoda, Native Americans dancing; everywhere the newcomer is made welcome, and makes new friends. 

Then the Priestess and her grandmother came to a large, dark, stone building, within which they hear the sound of singing. “Shhh” said the grandmother, with her finger to her lips, “Be very quiet.” 

So the two tip-toe past, and when they have gone on a little way the Priestess asks about this curious building. 

“Oh” says the grandmother “That’s just the Christians –they think they’re the only ones here.” 

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You might be a Redneck Pagan... 

If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door.... 

If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg.... 

If you think a goblet is a young turkey.... 

If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse.... 

If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis".... 

If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13.... 

If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene.... 

If you pronounce "athame" as "athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn".... 

If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl.... 

If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team.... 

If your Bard plays the banjo.... 

If your 'Long Lost Friend' really IS.... 

If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars.... 

If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.... 

If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head.... 

If you call the quarter by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob".... 

If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!".... 

If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back.... 

If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker.... 

If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun.... 

If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots.... 

If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff.... 

If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21.... 

If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road".... 

If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag.... 

If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle.... 

If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still.... 

If you use an engine block for an altar.... 

If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife.... 

If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?".... 

If your pickup truck has an athame rack....

If your crystal ball made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....

If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar..

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Redneck Pagan Charge of the Goddess 

(Tune: The Beverly Hillbillies by E. Scruggs) (Lyrical adaptation by Hare) 

Now listen to the words of the Great Star Mother,

In days long past called by one name or tuther,

"I am your Mammy, Queen of Earth, Air, Fire, Sea,

So you better quit your yappin' an' listen to me."

(Isis, that is...Astarte...Cerridwen)

"When the Moon is full, bright as a silver dollar,

Open up yer winder an give your Mam a hollar.

I'll hear you callin, jest as clear as a bell,

An I'll come a runnin an visit fer a spell."

(Circle, that is...Esbat...Draw down the Moon)

"Now y'all listen up, 'cause I'd hate to be a bitch,

When we have our shindigs t'aint none should wear a stitch.

Y'all will eat an' drink an' dance an' love, to show that you're free,

'Cause all acts of pleasure are sacred to me."

(Skyclad, that is...Great Rite...Cakes an' Wine)

"If you wanna know my secrets, then look in your own hide,

'Cause if what you seek ain't there, well, it won't be found outside.

The greatest Mysteries t'aint really dread nor dire,

I'm with you at the start, and at the end of desire."

(That's right, listen to your heart! Y'all will come back now, y'hear!)